I am afraid of motherhood.

Before I had a boyfriend, I never seriously considered being a mom. First of all, I was afraid of pregnancy. I didn’t want to be saddled with the discomforts of a bulging tummy and most of all, the corresponding pain of childbirth. Secondly, I never really liked kids. I used to wonder what was it that made my friends go mushy over a baby. I mean, yes, a baby is cute and cuddly but why would I want to coo over a creature who would just stare at you or would touch you with saliva-laden fingers? And then there are the ever energetic toddlers and preschoolers who, frankly, used to annoy me with their restlessness and never-ending questions, most of which are difficult to answer in simple words. “Why is the moon following me?” “What’s inside your boobs?” Finally, I knew how big a responsibility being a mother is and that had made me all the more unwilling to become one. I couldn’t even make sense of my own life, how much more the life of my own child?

I couldn’t even make sense of my own life, how much more the life of my own child?

But that was then. When I decided that I want to have a boyfriend and then Gian started courting me, I already knew I had to reassess my life choices. I didn’t want to date and not get married. If I had to get married then naturally, I would have to go through the baby-making process (hah.) I simply had to learn to love children. It’s a good thing that Gian was the youngest child and he already has several nephews and nieces, one of whom was, by then, a very talkative 2-year old. Probably it was nature taking its course in me or my desire to please the potential in-laws (heh), or both, that I gravitated towards the little boy. I found myself truly enjoying his antics and patiently answering his questions. I even profusely appreciated his drawing of a dragon which in reality looked like an egg!

Gian and I both know that having a child is a gift from God. We wanted to be parents but we were also aware that we couldn’t possibly know what His plans for us would be. I got pregnant about 6 months after our wedding and we were only beyond thankful.

Who would believe that an anxious and hesitant mother like me was able to make it to 4 years of parenting? I can only stand in awe at how I was able to adjust to motherhood, big thanks going to my own mom who mothered me while I am mothering my own child. Thank God for mothers!

Who would’ve thought I’d become a mother? My 20-year old self cringes at the idea. Haha!

Though it was never easy caring for a child, I could say giving birth was one of the most fulfilling moments of my life. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy (battling with UTI until I had to give birth), an easy labor (it took me only more or less hours before I had to deliver), and a normal delivery (though I had to have some help through fundal push because, heck, I didn’t know how to push!)

Parenthood never ends. Motherhood never ends.

Going through the process of parenthood is never-ending. There have been a lot of false starts and uncertainties, but there have also been triumphs and mostly overwhelming joy. I may have been a hesitant mother, but through the years that I’ve been one, I couldn’t help but be thankful of how God wrote my story with a chapter on motherhood. I wouldn’t want it otherwise, dirty nappies and messy floors notwithstanding.

Ikay at 8 months; my own Nanay always there. <3
Ikay at 8 months; my own Nanay always there. <3

So, what have I learned so far in the four years of mothering Rebekah Lois? I’ll continue with this storytelling whenever I get a break from my own adulating duties. 🙂

Happy Mothers Day to all moms – hesitant and anxious ones included!

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